MOMENT OF TRUTH, THE END: CHAPTER 1

 

BOBBY

“If you want me to go, then I will…”

 

Hurt. It is just hurt, damn much. Its kill me. Softly, deeply. But, what can I do, right? Want it or not, I need to accept it. God already choose me. And I know, He only choose His strongest soldiers for the hardest battle. Right? I tried to think positive, to stay positive. Try hardest to accept the reality that slap my face right now. But, what can you expect me to do? Smile widely? Or laughing out loud when the doctor said that I’m diagnose with throat cancer, or more specific is Supraglottic Cancer, that effects the epiglottis, which is a piece of cartilage that blocks food from going into my windpipe.

            “Are you okay, Jiwon?”

            My manager voice make me turned to him and nodded weakly. My manager seem concern about me. I guess? I do not know. I do not know how to react anymore. I do not know what to feel. I do not know what to think. My mind was blank. I cannot think anything. I cannot feel anything. What I really feel right now just want to shut my eyes, and disappeared.  Is it what God want from me? That why He choose me? Is it?

            “Jiwon?”

            Once again, I heard my manager called my name. And reality slap my face, over and over and over again. Supraglottic Cancer? Why? Why me? I am not smoking. I rarely drinking. Then, why me? Over million people in this world, why He choose me? I shut my eyes. I felt so heavy in my chest. Tears start to form in my eyes without me aware of that. Suddenly, the doctor voice keep humming in my ear, in my mind.

            “Don’t worry too much, Mr. Kim. Fortunately, we detect your disease early. If you follow all the treatment, you will completely recover.”

            What should I do? The doctor said I need to going to the treatment until my cancer cell disappeared. But, my schedule as an iKON member was hectic. We currently preparing for our next comeback. I need to help Hanbin with our demo version. I need to write lyrics too. I do not have enough time to add for the treatment. What should I do?

            “Don’t worry too much, Jiwonnie. Everything will be fine.”

            My manager said. I know he try to ease me. He try to comfort me, to make me feel nothing to be worry. But, thinking that I’m diagnose with cancer make me scared. I feel so lost, so weak. I feel so broken…

            “I’m scared, hyung.”

            “I know, Jiwonnie. But, you need to be strong. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. Trust me, okay? Whatever happen, you still have me, and you still have your brothers, ok?”

            I nodded. Yeah. I still have my brothers. Is it? Whatever happen, they will accept me and stay by my side. Right? They will never leave me alone and suffer alone. Right?

            “Come on, Jiwonnie. We already arrived!”

            “Yes hyung, but please don’t tell anyone about this. I want to keep to myself first.”

            I replied weakly. My manager only nodded at me and smile a little. We came out from the car and started to walk to the studio. Members already waiting for me there. And when I’m arrived, they give me a huge of smile. It make me think deeply, I will never let that smile fade away from my members lip. Never!

***

“You are late again! What was wrong with you? Why you always late on Thursday?”

            Hanbin asked one day when I always came late on Thursday for four week in a row. I just give him my apologetic face and keep mumbling sorry, over and over again. It is not easy for me to tell him, or tell the members who always waiting for me that I am going to do some treatment because of cancer. Right?

            “You can’t acted like this, Bobyeong! Because of you, our practice was lacking!”

            Hanbin snapped when he see me in pathetic states. Yeah. I know everything happened because of me. Our dance practice lacking because of me. I keep forgetting the step. I keep miscalculate the step. But, I can’t do anything more. My body like to betray me. Every part of my body feel itch. Every time I am going to treatment, my body feel so weak.

            “I’m sorry, Hanbin. I’m sorry,” I replied, weakly.

            “I don’t want your sorry, hyung. I need your effort to fix this!”

            Said Hanbin before turned around. He start to walk to the door. I just seeing him until he disappeared from my sight. I know he was angry with me. I also angry with myself too. I want to give what Hanbin want from me. But, what I gave him just now was disappointed.

***

“What’s wrong with Jiwon, Dong-ahh?”

            I heard Jinhwan Hyung asked Donghyuk one day. It is not like I eardrop them. It just I coincidently come out from my room, going to the kitchen to get some drink. And, seem like both of them not aware that I already there.

            “Did he have a problem, Dong-ah? He acted not like him anymore,” said Jinhwan in a worried tone.

            “I don’t know hyung. He didn’t tell me anything. He always stay alone lately. And he always looking so tired especially when he came back from I don’t know where on Thursday.”

            “Yeah, I saw that too. His face always pale and he cough a lot. His voice also change, more hoarseness and sometimes I can’t heard clearly what he said. Did something happened to him?”

            No one know the answer. Only my manager and me can answer that. But, I remain silent, and suffer alone. What I can say for now that I’m ok. No need to worry about me. I’m just ok.

***

“If you really like to act like this, I think you should leave iKON, hyung.”

            Said Hanbin one day, when I came late on Thursday for nth time. I keep saying I’m sorry, but he can’t buy it anymore. Maybe, he just can’t stand anymore. Maybe he already tired with my sorry anymore. Maybe he just didn’t need me anymore. Maybe he just...

            “If you think after doing Asia Tour, after getting daesang, after being acknowledge by citizen you can acted like this, then I think you should go. Leave. We doesn’t need some problematic member in our band anymore!” Hanbin said, looking so tired with my attitude.

            “Kim Hanbin! I think you are going too far!” said Jinhwan.

            “Me going too far? Really hyung? So, what about him? He always came late on Thursday and sometimes not attending our practice. He can’t remember our dance step perfectly. He forget his lyrics which is he wrote by himself. Is it me who cross the line? Are you that blind to defences such a selfish members like him?”

            “He have his own reason. Kimbab, say something!”

            I remain silent and keep my head lowered. My mind going mess. What Hanbin said make me think harder. Yeah. It all my fault. We will having another comeback but because of me, it keep delay. I need to act just like me. I need to stop all the treatment and never be late anymore.

***

I thought, everything would be fine if I act like before. Our comeback was success. Nobody dislike our song. Our Konics seem happy and demand for another comeback. So, I thought everything is fine.

But, after that incident, Hanbin rarely speak to me. He start to keep avoiding me. And after we end our promotion day he acted like I’m not exist anymore. His behaviour make me think, did he hate me because I’m weak now? Did he hate me because my voice start to change? Or, did he hate me because who I am now? Did he…

            “Can we talk?”

            I asked one day, make Hanbin turned to me. That day, he came downstairs with Yunhyeong, searching for Chanwoo who watch random movie with Junhoe. All members also there. My manager also there. And when I start to talk to Hanbin, all focus turned to us.

            “I don’t have anything to talk,” he said coldly.

            “But I have something to talk. Can you hear me out?” I asked, more like begging.

            “Then said!”

            Hanbin face was cold, more like his disgust with me. It make me think, did he really meant what he said to me? Is it true that he want me to leave? I faced him and what I can see was hatred. I feel bad for myself, I feel so small...

            “Before I talk, I want to ask you… did you really want me to go? To leave iKON?”

            I asked, finally. At that moment, I can feel my body shake. I can feel that my body tremble. Just like when the wind blows, the autumn leaves tremble. And just like when the waves occur, the ocean trembles. Just like that.

            “You heard what I said, right?”

            Hanbin answers broke me into piece. Once again, reality really slap me. This time, harder than when the doctor said I am diagnose with cancer. And Hanbin’s stares are like knives already stabbing at my heart. So sharp, so deep...

            “Ohh…”

            That all I can say so I keep silent. No word come out from my mouth anymore. My mind blank. I can’t think anything. Hanbin’s word really broke me down. I’m not expect I will heard that kind of word come out from my best friend mouth. Best friend? Yeah. Hanbin really my best friend until he found his funny friend. Start that day he does not need me. And I guess, from now on, he really doesn’t need me, anymore.

            “So, what do you want to talk?”

            Hanbin asked. His face plain emotionless and stoic. His voice sound so cold. It was very cold. Is it Hanbin that I knows for more than 7 years? Is it the same person as Kim Hanbin that I know?

            “I have nothing to talk anymore.”

            I replied weakly before turned to back him and start to walk. I have nothing to talk anymore. What I heard just now more than enough. I don’t need anymore. It just enough for me to make my decision.

            “Jiwonnie…”

            I heard my manager voice and turned to him. I can see his worried expression. I gave him a small smile. Very small, that cannot reach my eyes.

            “It’s okay, hyung. He want me to leave, then I will… don’t worry about me. Don’t have to mind about me. I’m ok.”

            I said weakly and my voice has gotten lower, almost reach the earth’s core. I faced my manager before looking at all my members, one by one. I admire their face because I know this is my last time before stepping away. Right now, I am sure that everything had reached the end. I had lost my battle.

***