MOMENT OF TRUTH, THE END: CHAPTER 2

 

JINHWAN

“You never know what you have until it’s gone…”

 

“I have nothing to talk anymore.”

            I heard Bobby’s voice, reply to Hanbin before turned to him and start to walk away. His voice sound so weak. At that moment, I know something already happened to him. I know this is not Bobby that I know all this year. I know this is not the same person that always teasing me, making fun of me. I know this is not the same person who always be the first one to his brothers. I know this is not my Jiwon.

             “It’s okay, hyung. He want me to leave, then I will… don’t worry about me. Don’t have to mind about me. I’m ok.”

            Once again, I heard Bobby’s voice. His voice sound very slow, more like his whisper to himself. I can saw he shut his eyes, and tried to breathe deeply. After he open his eyes, all I can see only sadness. The way he seeing our face one by one, the way he form a small smile that not reach his eyes, the way he lowered his head, the way he start to stepping away…

“You will regret everything you done today, Kim Hanbin!”

            I heard my manager voice snapped at the moment Bobby disappeared from our sight. It was the first time I saw my manager angry like that. He always calm, always chill. But for the first time, he seem pissed off. It make me wonder, what exactly happened right now? Did Manager Hyung hid something from us? About Bobby, especially.

            “I will go to him. Three of you, back to your dorm.”

            My manager said firmly before stepping away from us. I turned to faced Hanbin after I heard little noise of door slam that told me my manager already enter Bobby’s room. I can see Hanbin sad expression in his face. But I don’t know why. Why he was sad when this is what he want. Right?

            “Did you realize what are you doing, Hanbin?”

            Hanbin remain silent, not intends to answer me. Few seconds later, Hanbin start to step away. Walking to the main door, turning the knob and open the door. I can see his heavy step before he disappeared behind the door. It make me throwing a signal to Yunhyeong and Chanwoo to follow Hanbin. He is still our leader after all.

            “Both of you can return to your room. I’ll talk to Jiwon after Manager Hyung left.”

            Donghyuk and Junhoe only nodded after I finished my sentence. They know, all of us know that Bobby need someone in this states. And it is me who Bobby’s trust among us. It is me who Bobby is lean on countlessly.

***

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

            I asked when I saw Bobby start to pack his thing. He just nodded at me before continue packing. I do not know what I can do more to make him stop. To make him change his mind. And to make him stay. I do not know anymore. The moment he said that he already informed Sajangnim that he want terminate his contract and leaving iKON, I know everything had reached the end. Sometimes, when you are going too far, there is no turning back.

            “Take care of yourself, hyung. I am sorry I cannot stay by you side anymore. I am sorry for everything that happened because of me. I am sorry if during my time being your brother, I hurt you a lot. I am sorry for not being the best brother to you. I am sorry, hyung. Sorry. Please take care of our brothers for me. I will pass my duty to you, I am sorry. Please tell them that I always love them with all my heart.”

            Bobby’s voice sound cracked and when I faced him, I can see tears already form in his eyes. I went to him and hug him tightly. The strongest Kim Jiwon that I know looking so fragile right now. He is so weak. He is so lost. He is so broken… What happen to you, Jiwonnie? Why you hid it from me? Why you like to suffer alone? Did I am not trustworthy enough for you?

***

Our dorm is not as usual anymore. After Bobby left, nothing was fine. It was so dark. So gloom. So empty. Bobby gone and he brings the joy with him. Bobby gone and he take the smile with him. Bobby gone and he brought all the happiness with him. Nothing left anymore.

            “Where are you, Jiwon-ah?” I asked in silent.

            The relationship between iKON members getting worse. No more silly jokes anymore. No more minor conflict that ends with laughter anymore. No more late night conversation that ended with all of us falling asleep together anymore. Bobby gone. And he brings all of our hearts with him. Nothing left with us, anymore…

            “I miss him, hyung…”

            Said Donghyuk one day, two weeks after Bobby left us. I know Donghyuk misses Bobby. He is one of the closest friends to Bobby. The one that Bobby always count when he having his hard time. Obviously, Bobby’s absence affects Donghyuk.

            “Where has he been?”

            Once again, Donghyuk voice keep humming in my ear, weakly. I do not know what kind of answer I should give to him. Bobby never answer my call, also never reply my text. I do not know. I am also want to know where he is. Is he ok? Is he happy with his life now? I do not know. I really do not know…

***

After 3 weeks of Bobby’s left, I received a letter after returned to the dorm after my hectic day in the practice room. Everyday feel like hell after Bobby left. We missing our mood maker and no one can turning up the gloomy atmosphere anymore.

            Slowly, I opened the envelope. As soon as I seeing the letter, I know who the sender is. Only he has writing style like that. Only him. Only Bobby. Our Bobby. I took a deep breath, before reading one by one words that Bobby written. Each word he wrote, break my heart. Is this what Bobby feels all this time? Why did not he tell me what he felt? Why he always suffer alone. Why Bobby? Why?

 

 

 

Dear my Jinani,

How are you? I hope you always happy. I am ok, really. You do not need to worry about me. You does not have to comfort me. You do not have to pity on me. You do not have to stay with me. I am fine. Really. I am used to be alone, hyung. To left alone. To suffer alone…

Nani Hyung,

I love you. I do not say it enough but I do. I know, we do not agree on a lot of stuff but one thing we do, is that we could not live without each other. Because of that, I am suffering right now. I miss you, hyung. A lot.

Hyung-nim,

I always said this and I guess you already tired of me because keep saying this. But hyung, I really meant it. I would not have survived without you. You always encourage me. Always support me. Always stay by my side when I need some friend the most. You know me better than I probably do. I trust you all my heart and no time or distance apart could ruin the bond that we have. So many jokes, tears, memories and laughter, fights and dreams, we have come a long way and have much father to go. I am glad I have you with me the whole way.

But hyung,

Life hurt a lot more than death. It hurt me so much. It broke every piece of me when all of us laughed out. I just want to give up, hyung. I am done with myself. I think, I am afraid to be happy anymore. Because I know, whenever I do get too happy, something bad always happens again. I hate myself so much because of this. And I think, death seem more inviting than a life…

Kim Jiwon.

 

Bobby’s letter ended like that. Without me aware, my tears falling apart. Suddenly I felt something heavy in my chest. I blamed myself for not realize what Bobby felt earlier. He always smile. He always laugh. I thought he is ok. I thought… I thought he is…

***

Sajangnim called out all of us the next day after I received Bobby’s letter. I know why he calling us. I know… but, should he tell us as early as this? He need to wait for Bobby. I know Bobby will come back later. He just went out for a moment to calm his heart. He will be back to us. He was belong to us, right?

“Do you know what you have done, Hanbin?”

That was the first question I heard as soon as we stepped into Sajangnim room. I turned to Hanbin. He just silent. I can see the sad expression on his face. Why? Why he looks so sad? And it make Sajangnim sigh. Heavily.

“I know I am not the person who should tell all of you about this. But, I think I gave all of you enough time to fix all the problems. But, it’s getting worst day by day. After Jiwon left, you are not yours anymore. So I think, I need to make a move. To tell the truth.”

“The truth?”

I heard Hanbin asked. His voice sounds so weak. Too slow to being heard. Why is he like that? This is my first time seeing him this powerless. He looks, so broken…

“About Jiwon. About what he hiding.”

Sajangnim words made me felt uneasy. What was wrong with Bobby? What happened to him? What does he hide from all of us? Why Sajangnim did not tell us about Bobby’s decision to leave iKON? Is not that the reason why he called all of us?

“I don’t want to hear anything about him.”

            “He’s sick, Hanbin. He is in pain. He suffering cancer right now. And if he does not undergo his treatment, his condition will worsen. It will threaten his life.”

            Sajangnim words make me speechless. I cannot accept this. What kind of joke that Sajangnim gave just now? This is nonsense. Bobby was not sick. The strongest Kim Bobby will not sick like this. No. Never. That person Sajangnim said was not our Bobby. He is not my Jiwon…

***

Yunhyeong came downstairs two days after we know the truth. He looked so mess. He looked so worried. It make me wonder, what was wrong with him? What happened?

            “Hyung…please help. Hanbin… he…he is crying again…please hyung. We need to help him.”

            Yunhyeong voice sound cracked. Anytime he will burst into tears. It make me jump from my seat and rushing to Donghyuk room. After calling him and Junhoe, we rush to the upstairs. More specific, to Hanbin room. And what I saw after that, made my heart broke…

            “I’m sorry Jiwonnie…please…I’m really sorry. I don’t know…I don’t know…please…”

            Hanbin said between his sob. He looked so small… so fragile… It make Donghyuk rushed to him and hold him tightly. I do not know what to do anymore. Bobby’s missing affect us so much. The truth that he hide from us made it worse. If only Bobby still here. If only I knew what happened to him. If only I was trying harder to care about him. If only this had never happened. If only…

 “You never know what you have until it’s gone…” I said silently before leaving Hanbin’s room, letting Donghyuk comfort his leader.

***